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And my date said, ‘I’m with her.’ And the girl gave me the dirtiest look.
People don’t always think I’m with the men or woman that I’m with. He thinks I’m smart and never mentions anything about my size.
I was going on phone chat lines and stuff at 17-years-old, which is kind of the predecessor of online dating in a lot of ways.
For a fat girl who was told her entire life that she was undesirable or unloveable, the idea of meeting someone anonymously and having them fall for my personality, and then having the reveal — that’s the fat girl dream. I was lying about being 18-years-old to use the service.
My first dates should have been at Mc Donald’s, but instead they were at five-star restaurants."And those were the types of guys that were mostly attracted to you? I’ve always been sort of the smart girl in the class. I didn’t have the life experience, but I was really bright, so it was a good combination for them."How did those experiences frame your idea of yourself in the dating world? It’s still having residual reverberations in my life now.
But being fat also made me want to be the smartest person, because I had to have all these compensatory personality traits. Like one of the things I’m living with right now — so I’m Latina. I grew up with boys who looked like me, but they all hated me because I was fat.
That’s just kind of how it’s been in my experience.
But when it does get brought up by guys, they tend to be like, ‘Oh, you’re into women? And I’m like yes — but I’m also into Sci Fi fiction and the conversation can go that way."But the amount of times I open up my Ok Cupid to messages that are like ‘BBW Yum’ or ‘I Heart BBW’ — it’s a lot."The fact that they go right to the fetish thing has to be frustrating.
I’m currently dating two cisgendered men right now. We don't need to have our bodies tethered to our entire existence.
All of the sudden, I was hanging out with white men exclusively in a romantic way, because the trickle-down effect of racism is that it’s mostly rich white guys who can afford to pay for this phone service. And yet, I don’t have the dating skill set to be more versatile, because my formative experience is so singular."You mentioned that you mostly rely on online dating. But maybe because they don’t want to confront their desires to fuck a fat girl, they project all of my fatness onto my bust. There’s also the fact that even though I’m not Asian, I look Asian.
So it’s complicated and painful now as an adult having had those formative experiences with white men of a certain class."Now it’s very difficult for me to find a partner who can get down with me as a person of color, who is critical of racism and stuff. So the idea of being a busty Asian person gets brought up a lot.
But all of them have dealt with one specific thing: their bodies being at the forefront of the dating conversation. And from speaking to other women, I know that that’s not a unique experience. He acted correctly, and because of the way we talk to plus women about their bodies, you feel like you need to give him credit. I don’t have to accept less than what I deserve because of my body."Laura Delarato, 30, Brooklyn Sex Educator & Branded Video Producer, Refinery29Talk to me a little about your dating ethos, as a plus-size woman who also identifies as queer. The rest of my day is filled with work or my interests. And my profile, or how I present when I walk into a bar, doesn’t scream, ‘I’m looking for someone to feed me food.’ Which, P.
As a straight-sized person, I sometimes get slut-shamed if I turn a guy down, but I don’t get body-shamed. Well, aside from my ex-boyfriend, who I met on Tinder and who wound up being pretty great."I feel like, in the time since I’ve been off Tinder, I’ve really gotten to a place where I’m more confident in myself, and that comes from the blog and these movements."How did you get to that place? I feel like this relationship that I was just in — he was the first boyfriend who never told me that I had to lose weight. When in reality, he just acted the way a good person should act."We prop up men who date differently-sized women as heroes, and they’ll pat themselves on the back. I follow Robbie and his wife Sarah, and I’ve loved them for a really long time. "I think for me, I’m hyper-aware of how language is used when it comes to talking about me and my body on dating sites, or when I’m at a bar, or wherever I meet another person. But the fetishization tends to come when people make assumptions about what plus-size women actually like. S., do not do, because I have a lot of food allergies."Aside from being plus, you also identify as queer.
Having a stranger attack you for your body shape has to be so disheartening. Back then, it would really affect me, and I’d think, ‘Am all I good for is sex? ’ It felt like they thought they could say whatever they wanted to me because they didn’t see me as a person. Now I’ve got guys DMing me on Instagram asking to take me out on a date. Do you think that being in a relationship for three years helped or hindered that? Every other boyfriend would be like, ‘Damn, if you were to drop however much weight, you’d be a supermodel.’ Men have outwardly said that to me."That’s ridiculous. And it’s really sad and tough, because you also have your parents at home who question what you’re eating, or asking if you want to go to the gym. This last boyfriend, I really do have to give him credit. And when I saw the post, I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is so great! But we should not be putting men on a pedestal for liking curvy bodies. It’s very prevalent for plus-size women to constantly have their bodies be the forefront of the conversation for a lot of reasons. Like, I’ve gotten messages from men — it’s male-specific, biologic, cisgendered men — who want to feed me all the time. Do you feel like you’re more fetishized for one than the other? I feel like the BBW [Big Beautiful Woman] thing [gets more attention].